March 17th, 2002

KNM Norge at full speed trials

Something I harvested off the net a few years ago

Are You a Prospective Intelligence Officer?


Since the career panel may decide to administer written examinations for candidates seeking certification as professional Intelligence Officers, we are passing along these sample questions to help you prepare for the ordeal.

Typical Qualifying Examination

Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit - four hours.

History

Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all others.


Medicine

You will be given a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You will have 15 minutes to complete this operation.


Public Speaking

2500 riot-crazed fanatics will be turned loose in a classroom with you. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin and Greek.


Biology

Create life. You are required to estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this life-form had developed 500 millions ago, with special attention to the effects on our next election. Prove who would have been our next prime minister and why.


Music

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.


Psychology

Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate their emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of the following: Alexander, Ramsesall, Gregory of Nicoa, Joan of Arc, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each person's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.


Sociology

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct a full-scale experiment to test your theory.


Management Science

Define management and science. How do they relate? Create a generalized algorithm that can be used to optimize all managerial decisions. Design the systems interface and prepare all software necessary to program this algorithm on whatever computer may be selected by the examiners.


Engineering

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle will be placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted into your room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.


Economics

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the National Debt. Trace the possible effects on your planet, on the wave theory of light, and on the overcrowding of citizens band radio channels.


Political Science

With a quarter that you will be given, go to any pay phone and start World War III. Report on its socio-political effects, if any.


Epistemology

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.


Physics

Explain the nature of matter. Your answer must include an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics and science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiation on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who spend long hours in that environment.


Philosophy

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare this with the development of any other kinds of thought.


General Knowledge

Describe everything you know in detail. Be objective and specific.


Extra Credit

Define the universe and give three examples.
KNM Norge at full speed trials

Another little gem from the net:

The British Military writes performance ratings as Officer Fitness Reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are excerpts taken from actual "206's"....

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

• I would not breed from this Officer.

• This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

• When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

• He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

• Technically sound, but socially impossible.

• This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope- always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

• When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

• This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

• This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

• In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

• The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.